It Is What It Is

Some would say I lead a charmed life. I have a wonderful husband, who works hard and makes enough money to keep us comfortable, and so that I don’t have to work outside the house. I work at home, generally at my leisure, and spend the remainder either reading, baking, or catching up on some tv.

I’m not one for hiding behind facades. I’d rather tell someone what’s going on so they can understand it, rather than pretend I have a perfect life. Because it’s not. I have anxiety. General and social. Sometimes one is worse than the other and it makes it very hard for me to do the things that I’d like to do. Even something as simple as going to the theater, is an issue for me.

I remember when I was a kid, when we had big family get-togethers at my grandma and grandpa’s house, (and we had a big family!), I would always go hide somewhere to get away from everyone. It’s a coping mechanism that I still use today. Back then I didn’t know that it was social anxiety causing it. Up until a year or so ago I had no idea what anxiety even was really.

It wasn’t until I started reading The Bloggess that I finally realised what was going on. I was like “Hey! I have that! I don’t feel so weird. Maybe I’m not just anti-social!” It was a revelation that I was finally able to put a word to what I was feeling.

About a year or so ago it started to escalate and get steadily worse. I didn’t want to leave my house, be around family or friends, or do anything at all really, other than stay home and read or cook. I’m basically a shut in. It’s always been manageable as long as I don’t do anything out of my comfort zone, and I try very hard to stay within those confines.

Lately, not so much. This month, we had plans to go to a concert, one that I had been looking forward to for months, and when it came down to it, I just couldn’t do it. It was crippling. I had never experienced an anxiety attack like that before, where I made myself physically sick, and was barely able to walk from the car to a building. I knew it was completely irrational, not to mention embarrassing, but I was helpless to avoid it. Something that was supposed to be so fun was completely terrifying to me for no real reason.

I’ve decided to go see my doctor about it, because clearly, the way I’d been dealing with it before is just not working anymore. I’m hoping he’s not going to be one of those doctors that says “If you think positive thoughts, it will all go away.” Ha!

Until then I intend to try to avoid things that will cause any anxiety. Thankfully, there’s a new tv season coming up, which means lots of new shows to record and catch up on! That should keep me busy.



Excuse My Bitch

Something’s been bothering me for a while now, and I really feel the need to get it off my chest. For weeks, maybe even a couple of months, I’ve felt so ignored, (and it doesn’t help the fact that I’ve been in a depression for weeks on end that I’m thankfully finally coming out of).

I don’t know what it is about myself that elicits being ignored, but it’s obviously there. Friends will text me, and when I answer back I get no response. Even private messaging on social media gets no results from friends or family members (I’m looking at you mother).

I understand that people are busy with their lives, what with kids/jobs/responsibilities and such. But is it really that hard to write back a one word answer? Preferably within the same day, and not leave it until I either call you out on it, or decide to just let it slide yet again? I really don’t think so. I know I’m not perfect, I’ve let someone’s text slide and not answer back, but generally it’s because I don’t think it needs a response. Not for an out right question!

I find it not only incredibly, and painfully rude, but hurtful. There’s no reason for it. No excuses.

I am so, so done.

More Austinisms

Austin: Shows me an old camera he got at a garage sale. Click. Do you like my new camera?

Me: It’s pretty cool

Him: It doesn’t work though

Me: Yeah, it needs film

Him: What’s film?

Me: It’s what you put in the camera to capture the image

Him: Oh, you mean a memory card?


As I walk into the house,

Austin: Do you dare me to put underwear on my head?

Me: Ok. If you really want to.

Austin puts underwear on his head.

Me: I hope it was clean.

Austin:Well, it just had one fart in it. 

Back Off

I can’t have kids. And I won’t. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise. And please don’t try to tell me about your friend of a friend, who tried for years and years, and ended up almost adopting, only to get pregnant and have a baby. That’s fantastic for them. Really. But I won’t have kids. Even after trying for nearly ten years. It doesn’t bother me anymore. 

Don’t get me wrong though. If you have questions about it, I will tell you. I’m quite open about it if you’re interested enough to know. But please, don’t tell me “You never know”, because honestly, I do.

And I’m okay with it.

A Very Sposh Anniversary

Never, when I started this blog, did I think it would make it to a year. I thought I’d start and maybe lose interest along the way. Instead I find myself trying to think of things to post, or come up with new thoughts to get out.

Even more, I’m amazed by the amount of people that read my blog. I don’t know where you come from, but I hope you keep coming back to read and comment. I love to hear what you have to say.

Here’s to you, the readers, for keeping me motivated and pushing me forward, and to another year, filled with life, Twilight and photography.

(Possibly more Twilight than life or photography)

Buon Natale

This really was a wonderful Christmas! As a rule I’m generally ridiculously prepared when it comes to Christmas and usually start planning a year in advance, this Christmas was no exception. I’ve been wanting to have a Penner Christmas* for a while now, and I started planning last year, somewhat, and when we decided to move, it just made everything fall into place.

Christmas Eve, Steve and I went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox to start out our evening. After that we spent a few hours driving around looking at Christmas lights, as is our tradition, before coming home and having snacks for dinner and watching The Nativity Story. Before we headed to bed for the night we opened our Santa gift, Apples to Apples, and I threw my Christmas morning Wife Saver breakfast together.

Christmas morning came around and after we opened gifts and ate breakfast, I gathered all the food together to finish preparing before family came over. We snacked on devilled eggs, spinach dip, and crackers and cheese. We had some artichoke dip, shrimp cocktail, crab dip and lots of cookies and chocolates.

Later on we sat around the fire and exchanged gifts with each other and the kids. Visiting was nice with some wine and family that had moved away a few months ago.

We had dinner around five, a little earlier than I had originally planned, but good nevertheless. Ham and scalloped potatoes were on my menu, along with corn, buns and fried brussels sprouts. We all had eaten so much during the day that no body was hungry for my Peppermint Cheesecake. (I saved it and we all had some a few days later). After dinner we played Apples to Apples before everyone left for the evening.

Boxing Day came around and Steve and I went shopping in the morning, rolling out of bed at 8:30 and heading straight to the sales. I picked up a few things that I’d been wanting, and headed back home to get ready for the day. We went to Melissa’s for the day for turkey sandwiches, more snacks and visiting.

Sunday was spent with Jeff and Trista. Trista and I met Twi-Whore at the cheap theater to go see New Moon (again) while the boys took the kids to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. After a quick stop at the mall we went back home and had dinner. Trista and I went back to Melissa’s to visit and play games while the boys watched hockey.

Finally on Monday I had time to take down my tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations. With my house back to normal I feel like life can continue, and I can start planning again for next year. We’re hoping to be in BC next Christmas, and spend it with my mom and brother. Maybe I’ll get to have another Penner Christmas* after all!

*For those that don’t know, a Penner Christmas, to me, is where you eat all day long, and have a later dinner. Usually ham and scalloped potatoes, sometimes turkey.

Friday 5

This week’s Friday 5 is The Middle.

  1. What film have you seen in the past year that’s completely average? The Proposal. It was ok, not great, not horrible.
  2. Who’s the most average-looking person you know? Not sure I want to incriminate myself by naming someone.
  3. In what area of your life are you performing just well enough? Cleaning I guess, so housekeeping? I do it well enough to get by, but can’t seem to find the motivation to really do a thorough clean.
  4. A new radio station features music you neither like nor dislike! What are three songs you’re likely to hear on it? I don’t know if I even know the names! There’s that new 12-year-old kid that has a pop song out. It’s catchy but not good. There’s probably one by Karl Wolf, but I’m  not sure of the name. Oh and another one, something about on a dance floor. Not sure of the name or who sings it. It’s ok.
  5. What game or sport are you just okay in? Seriously? A sport that I’m okay in? I don’t think one exists honestly. Now a game, that’s different. I’m okay at some strategy games and better at others but can’t think of an actual game.

Thanks for participating, and have a better-than-middling weekend!