It Is What It Is

Some would say I lead a charmed life. I have a wonderful husband, who works hard and makes enough money to keep us comfortable, and so that I don’t have to work outside the house. I work at home, generally at my leisure, and spend the remainder either reading, baking, or catching up on some tv.

I’m not one for hiding behind facades. I’d rather tell someone what’s going on so they can understand it, rather than pretend I have a perfect life. Because it’s not. I have anxiety. General and social. Sometimes one is worse than the other and it makes it very hard for me to do the things that I’d like to do. Even something as simple as going to the theater, is an issue for me.

I remember when I was a kid, when we had big family get-togethers at my grandma and grandpa’s house, (and we had a big family!), I would always go hide somewhere to get away from everyone. It’s a coping mechanism that I still use today. Back then I didn’t know that it was social anxiety causing it. Up until a year or so ago I had no idea what anxiety even was really.

It wasn’t until I started reading The Bloggess that I finally realised what was going on. I was like “Hey! I have that! I don’t feel so weird. Maybe I’m not just anti-social!” It was a revelation that I was finally able to put a word to what I was feeling.

About a year or so ago it started to escalate and get steadily worse. I didn’t want to leave my house, be around family or friends, or do anything at all really, other than stay home and read or cook. I’m basically a shut in. It’s always been manageable as long as I don’t do anything out of my comfort zone, and I try very hard to stay within those confines.

Lately, not so much. This month, we had plans to go to a concert, one that I had been looking forward to for months, and when it came down to it, I just couldn’t do it. It was crippling. I had never experienced an anxiety attack like that before, where I made myself physically sick, and was barely able to walk from the car to a building. I knew it was completely irrational, not to mention embarrassing, but I was helpless to avoid it. Something that was supposed to be so fun was completely terrifying to me for no real reason.

I’ve decided to go see my doctor about it, because clearly, the way I’d been dealing with it before is just not working anymore. I’m hoping he’s not going to be one of those doctors that says “If you think positive thoughts, it will all go away.” Ha!

Until then I intend to try to avoid things that will cause any anxiety. Thankfully, there’s a new tv season coming up, which means lots of new shows to record and catch up on! That should keep me busy.

 

Excuse My Bitch

Something’s been bothering me for a while now, and I really feel the need to get it off my chest. For weeks, maybe even a couple of months, I’ve felt so ignored, (and it doesn’t help the fact that I’ve been in a depression for weeks on end that I’m thankfully finally coming out of).

I don’t know what it is about myself that elicits being ignored, but it’s obviously there. Friends will text me, and when I answer back I get no response. Even private messaging on social media gets no results from friends or family members (I’m looking at you mother).

I understand that people are busy with their lives, what with kids/jobs/responsibilities and such. But is it really that hard to write back a one word answer? Preferably within the same day, and not leave it until I either call you out on it, or decide to just let it slide yet again? I really don’t think so. I know I’m not perfect, I’ve let someone’s text slide and not answer back, but generally it’s because I don’t think it needs a response. Not for an out right question!

I find it not only incredibly, and painfully rude, but hurtful. There’s no reason for it. No excuses.

I am so, so done.

Twilight Tuesday

Starting a new fic is like a new friendship, it’s a bit awkward, somewhat exciting and you never know where it’ll lead. Usually you develop a great friendship, and with a bit of give and take, you end up with a new friend. Sometimes you may not like certain things, but you get past them to see the big picture.

On the other hand, sometimes it starts out with great promise only to find out twenty-something chapters in, it’s not what you were expecting and takes a turn for the worst. Like that friend that seems great to begin with and is there for you when you need them, sometimes, and is always there to call you when they need a friend, they start to wear thin. Finally they make you question the friendship. Maybe you stop calling them, or they stop calling you, and if and when you do talk, finally, it’s awkward and full of uncomfortable silences. Things are not what you thought they were going to be.

Sometimes a fic that starts out great and has so much promise, takes a sudden or even gradual turn for the worse. That’s the point where you wonder if you should keep soldiering on and finish it, like a true friend would, or flounce, like the jaded person you’ve become, who’s taken as much as you can stand and won’t take any more.

Lately, that has been me. One fic I read not too long ago, started out with a great beginning and almost half way into it, started to take a weird twist. I thought, ok, this might be alright, and I kept reading. I was almost 3/4 through when it just went from weird to awful. It was completed so I just decided to finish, and with a cliff hanger ending, it left me feeling used and dirty.

The last one I read like that was a wip. It started out strong. Even going into the 15-18th chapters it was still quite good. I had so much hope for it. Then it just flipped. She became annoying and he was whiney. Not a good combination. The endearments felt forced and the lemons weren’t written very well. Like that friend that suddenly turns on you, instead of sticking it out to see how it will end up, I flounced. I just didn’t have it in me to keep on keeping on.

 So instead of trying to sort out the toxic friends and fics, I’m moving on. My fic list is getting a detoxification. Stat.

There and Back Again – A Waters Tale

It’s been a busy week, but fun nonetheless. Last week Tuesday we left windy, rainy, Lethbridge, to seek the sun, in the beautiful Okanagan. The drive there was beautiful, with a few clouds and a bit of drizzle along the way. We pulled into Vernon around 5, and were greeted with hugs and smiles from family and kids. Mom made me homemade cottage cheese perogies with farmer sausage and shmont fat, followed with fresh apple pie for dessert. Delicious! We spent the next day visiting with her, my aunts and brother and sister-in-law. Surprisingly the kids weren’t scared of either of us as they usually are, and we loved having them around to play with.

Thursday saw us off in the morning, to make a stop-in to see my Grandpa and Dorothy for a quick visit, before heading into Kelowna to have lunch with a friend at our favourite Pub. Wings were delicious as always, and after that we went for a bit of a drive around town, before heading to the mall to check it out as well. We arrived early and surprised Trista who was not quite ready for us. The kids seemed a bit leery at first but within minutes warmed up right away. That evening Trista and I headed out to girls night while the boys stayed at home with the kids and enjoyed a few alot of beers.

Friday I went with Trista to Riley’s preschool field trip to the Ellison Fire Hall, while Steve wandered town and met up with some old friends for drinks.

That night Trista got the cake and things ready for Sophie’s birthday party the next day. (I helped fluff her flowers)

Saturday morning I went for a visit to a friend’s house for coffee while everyone else went to the boys baseball games. I was home before anyone else and had a nap before lunch. After lunch Trista and I went to check out som Wineries and take some photos, before coming back to set up for the party.

The party was fun and afterwards everyone came back after taking all of the kids home. I had a few too many glasses of wine and ended up spilling a full glass on myself, that’s when I knew it was time for bed. Unfortunately it was before the cops arrived and I missed the excitement.

Sunday, the boys had baseball again all morning and afternoon, so Steve and I took the opportunity for some alone time. We went to the flea market in Rutland, where we found some great deals, before we went for a drive to Westbank and lunch at Whitespot. We came home and I had another nap and woke up feeling refreshedish. Trista called to meet us before heading downtown for a walk, and told us Tyson came in second place in his baseball league and Riley won MVP on his team. Way to go boys!

Monday, we had a nice breakfast before saying our goodbyes and leaving for Vernon again to spend one more night with my mom, brother and family. We went up to Davison Orchards to take some pictures of the boys and sights there, and found a Bee Farm along the way!

After dinner we visited my aunt and uncle, who live next door, before coming home for an early night.

Yesterday we were up early to get a head start and ended up leaving by 7:30. It was a rainy, cloudy drive home, but we were headed home at least. We pulled in just before 5:30 and had a nice quiet relaxing night.

Our trip was crazy, busy, but we had alot of fun. Hopefully it won’t take another six years before we head back again.

Heading Home

On Tuesday, we’re taking a much-needed break from friends and family, to visit friends and family. First we’re headed to Vernon to stay at my mom’s and brother’s house for a couple of days. Then it’s into Kelowna to visit with Steve’s brother and family and some of his friends.

This will be the first trip back “home” for Steve since we moved, six years ago, and he’s ridiculously excited! I hope it lives up to his expectations.