It Is What It Is

Some would say I lead a charmed life. I have a wonderful husband, who works hard and makes enough money to keep us comfortable, and so that I don’t have to work outside the house. I work at home, generally at my leisure, and spend the remainder either reading, baking, or catching up on some tv.

I’m not one for hiding behind facades. I’d rather tell someone what’s going on so they can understand it, rather than pretend I have a perfect life. Because it’s not. I have anxiety. General and social. Sometimes one is worse than the other and it makes it very hard for me to do the things that I’d like to do. Even something as simple as going to the theater, is an issue for me.

I remember when I was a kid, when we had big family get-togethers at my grandma and grandpa’s house, (and we had a big family!), I would always go hide somewhere to get away from everyone. It’s a coping mechanism that I still use today. Back then I didn’t know that it was social anxiety causing it. Up until a year or so ago I had no idea what anxiety even was really.

It wasn’t until I started reading The Bloggess that I finally realised what was going on. I was like “Hey! I have that! I don’t feel so weird. Maybe I’m not just anti-social!” It was a revelation that I was finally able to put a word to what I was feeling.

About a year or so ago it started to escalate and get steadily worse. I didn’t want to leave my house, be around family or friends, or do anything at all really, other than stay home and read or cook. I’m basically a shut in. It’s always been manageable as long as I don’t do anything out of my comfort zone, and I try very hard to stay within those confines.

Lately, not so much. This month, we had plans to go to a concert, one that I had been looking forward to for months, and when it came down to it, I just couldn’t do it. It was crippling. I had never experienced an anxiety attack like that before, where I made myself physically sick, and was barely able to walk from the car to a building. I knew it was completely irrational, not to mention embarrassing, but I was helpless to avoid it. Something that was supposed to be so fun was completely terrifying to me for no real reason.

I’ve decided to go see my doctor about it, because clearly, the way I’d been dealing with it before is just not working anymore. I’m hoping he’s not going to be one of those doctors that says “If you think positive thoughts, it will all go away.” Ha!

Until then I intend to try to avoid things that will cause any anxiety. Thankfully, there’s a new tv season coming up, which means lots of new shows to record and catch up on! That should keep me busy.

 

Excuse My Bitch

Something’s been bothering me for a while now, and I really feel the need to get it off my chest. For weeks, maybe even a couple of months, I’ve felt so ignored, (and it doesn’t help the fact that I’ve been in a depression for weeks on end that I’m thankfully finally coming out of).

I don’t know what it is about myself that elicits being ignored, but it’s obviously there. Friends will text me, and when I answer back I get no response. Even private messaging on social media gets no results from friends or family members (I’m looking at you mother).

I understand that people are busy with their lives, what with kids/jobs/responsibilities and such. But is it really that hard to write back a one word answer? Preferably within the same day, and not leave it until I either call you out on it, or decide to just let it slide yet again? I really don’t think so. I know I’m not perfect, I’ve let someone’s text slide and not answer back, but generally it’s because I don’t think it needs a response. Not for an out right question!

I find it not only incredibly, and painfully rude, but hurtful. There’s no reason for it. No excuses.

I am so, so done.

Summer Went Like This

We went on a trip. Visited some friends and family, went to some wineries, a farm and an orchard.

We had birthday parties, and Twilight parties.

We learned about Buffalo, had visits from family, and went swimming. A lot.

We played baseball, went camping, and had some scary storms

We had an anniversary, bought a fancy skirt, and found a fabulous alley to take pictures in.

Now the sun has set and we’re rounding the curve to fall, and I couldn’t be happier.

There and Back Again – A Waters Tale

It’s been a busy week, but fun nonetheless. Last week Tuesday we left windy, rainy, Lethbridge, to seek the sun, in the beautiful Okanagan. The drive there was beautiful, with a few clouds and a bit of drizzle along the way. We pulled into Vernon around 5, and were greeted with hugs and smiles from family and kids. Mom made me homemade cottage cheese perogies with farmer sausage and shmont fat, followed with fresh apple pie for dessert. Delicious! We spent the next day visiting with her, my aunts and brother and sister-in-law. Surprisingly the kids weren’t scared of either of us as they usually are, and we loved having them around to play with.

Thursday saw us off in the morning, to make a stop-in to see my Grandpa and Dorothy for a quick visit, before heading into Kelowna to have lunch with a friend at our favourite Pub. Wings were delicious as always, and after that we went for a bit of a drive around town, before heading to the mall to check it out as well. We arrived early and surprised Trista who was not quite ready for us. The kids seemed a bit leery at first but within minutes warmed up right away. That evening Trista and I headed out to girls night while the boys stayed at home with the kids and enjoyed a few alot of beers.

Friday I went with Trista to Riley’s preschool field trip to the Ellison Fire Hall, while Steve wandered town and met up with some old friends for drinks.

That night Trista got the cake and things ready for Sophie’s birthday party the next day. (I helped fluff her flowers)

Saturday morning I went for a visit to a friend’s house for coffee while everyone else went to the boys baseball games. I was home before anyone else and had a nap before lunch. After lunch Trista and I went to check out som Wineries and take some photos, before coming back to set up for the party.

The party was fun and afterwards everyone came back after taking all of the kids home. I had a few too many glasses of wine and ended up spilling a full glass on myself, that’s when I knew it was time for bed. Unfortunately it was before the cops arrived and I missed the excitement.

Sunday, the boys had baseball again all morning and afternoon, so Steve and I took the opportunity for some alone time. We went to the flea market in Rutland, where we found some great deals, before we went for a drive to Westbank and lunch at Whitespot. We came home and I had another nap and woke up feeling refreshedish. Trista called to meet us before heading downtown for a walk, and told us Tyson came in second place in his baseball league and Riley won MVP on his team. Way to go boys!

Monday, we had a nice breakfast before saying our goodbyes and leaving for Vernon again to spend one more night with my mom, brother and family. We went up to Davison Orchards to take some pictures of the boys and sights there, and found a Bee Farm along the way!

After dinner we visited my aunt and uncle, who live next door, before coming home for an early night.

Yesterday we were up early to get a head start and ended up leaving by 7:30. It was a rainy, cloudy drive home, but we were headed home at least. We pulled in just before 5:30 and had a nice quiet relaxing night.

Our trip was crazy, busy, but we had alot of fun. Hopefully it won’t take another six years before we head back again.

Heading Home

On Tuesday, we’re taking a much-needed break from friends and family, to visit friends and family. First we’re headed to Vernon to stay at my mom’s and brother’s house for a couple of days. Then it’s into Kelowna to visit with Steve’s brother and family and some of his friends.

This will be the first trip back “home” for Steve since we moved, six years ago, and he’s ridiculously excited! I hope it lives up to his expectations.

Buon Natale

This really was a wonderful Christmas! As a rule I’m generally ridiculously prepared when it comes to Christmas and usually start planning a year in advance, this Christmas was no exception. I’ve been wanting to have a Penner Christmas* for a while now, and I started planning last year, somewhat, and when we decided to move, it just made everything fall into place.

Christmas Eve, Steve and I went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox to start out our evening. After that we spent a few hours driving around looking at Christmas lights, as is our tradition, before coming home and having snacks for dinner and watching The Nativity Story. Before we headed to bed for the night we opened our Santa gift, Apples to Apples, and I threw my Christmas morning Wife Saver breakfast together.

Christmas morning came around and after we opened gifts and ate breakfast, I gathered all the food together to finish preparing before family came over. We snacked on devilled eggs, spinach dip, and crackers and cheese. We had some artichoke dip, shrimp cocktail, crab dip and lots of cookies and chocolates.

Later on we sat around the fire and exchanged gifts with each other and the kids. Visiting was nice with some wine and family that had moved away a few months ago.

We had dinner around five, a little earlier than I had originally planned, but good nevertheless. Ham and scalloped potatoes were on my menu, along with corn, buns and fried brussels sprouts. We all had eaten so much during the day that no body was hungry for my Peppermint Cheesecake. (I saved it and we all had some a few days later). After dinner we played Apples to Apples before everyone left for the evening.

Boxing Day came around and Steve and I went shopping in the morning, rolling out of bed at 8:30 and heading straight to the sales. I picked up a few things that I’d been wanting, and headed back home to get ready for the day. We went to Melissa’s for the day for turkey sandwiches, more snacks and visiting.

Sunday was spent with Jeff and Trista. Trista and I met Twi-Whore at the cheap theater to go see New Moon (again) while the boys took the kids to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. After a quick stop at the mall we went back home and had dinner. Trista and I went back to Melissa’s to visit and play games while the boys watched hockey.

Finally on Monday I had time to take down my tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations. With my house back to normal I feel like life can continue, and I can start planning again for next year. We’re hoping to be in BC next Christmas, and spend it with my mom and brother. Maybe I’ll get to have another Penner Christmas* after all!

*For those that don’t know, a Penner Christmas, to me, is where you eat all day long, and have a later dinner. Usually ham and scalloped potatoes, sometimes turkey.