It Is What It Is

Some would say I lead a charmed life. I have a wonderful husband, who works hard and makes enough money to keep us comfortable, and so that I don’t have to work outside the house. I work at home, generally at my leisure, and spend the remainder either reading, baking, or catching up on some tv.

I’m not one for hiding behind facades. I’d rather tell someone what’s going on so they can understand it, rather than pretend I have a perfect life. Because it’s not. I have anxiety. General and social. Sometimes one is worse than the other and it makes it very hard for me to do the things that I’d like to do. Even something as simple as going to the theater, is an issue for me.

I remember when I was a kid, when we had big family get-togethers at my grandma and grandpa’s house, (and we had a big family!), I would always go hide somewhere to get away from everyone. It’s a coping mechanism that I still use today. Back then I didn’t know that it was social anxiety causing it. Up until a year or so ago I had no idea what anxiety even was really.

It wasn’t until I started reading The Bloggess that I finally realised what was going on. I was like “Hey! I have that! I don’t feel so weird. Maybe I’m not just anti-social!” It was a revelation that I was finally able to put a word to what I was feeling.

About a year or so ago it started to escalate and get steadily worse. I didn’t want to leave my house, be around family or friends, or do anything at all really, other than stay home and read or cook. I’m basically a shut in. It’s always been manageable as long as I don’t do anything out of my comfort zone, and I try very hard to stay within those confines.

Lately, not so much. This month, we had plans to go to a concert, one that I had been looking forward to for months, and when it came down to it, I just couldn’t do it. It was crippling. I had never experienced an anxiety attack like that before, where I made myself physically sick, and was barely able to walk from the car to a building. I knew it was completely irrational, not to mention embarrassing, but I was helpless to avoid it. Something that was supposed to be so fun was completely terrifying to me for no real reason.

I’ve decided to go see my doctor about it, because clearly, the way I’d been dealing with it before is just not working anymore. I’m hoping he’s not going to be one of those doctors that says “If you think positive thoughts, it will all go away.” Ha!

Until then I intend to try to avoid things that will cause any anxiety. Thankfully, there’s a new tv season coming up, which means lots of new shows to record and catch up on! That should keep me busy.



Twilight Tuesday

On Wednesday last week, I finished reading New Moon again (for the fourth time), and before I started it I was worried that the movie would skew my view on how I felt about Edward and Jacob. New Moon was the book that turned me into a team Jacob member, and always made me extremely mad at Edward, and after watching the movie countless 8 times and not being angry with Edward at the end I feared it would be the same with the books.

Strangely enough I don’t actually get mad at him till the end of the book. It’s not when he leaves Bella in the beginning at all that does it. It’s when he comes between her and Jacob, literally, at the end. In the movie, they didn’t have that at all, and it upset me to no end and made me furious with Bella.

But I digress, I was pleasantly surprised to find I was still angry with him! Not quite as much mind you but angry nonetheless. It really bothers me that he feels the need to hold her back from Jacob, when all she wants is to comfort him and ease his pain.

I know I’ll continue to grow angrier as I read the begining of Eclipse also and am now wondering if the movie will hold the same as well. If they don’t show Edward holding her back from Jacob and trying to keep her from him I will be severely disappointed.