It Is What It Is

Some would say I lead a charmed life. I have a wonderful husband, who works hard and makes enough money to keep us comfortable, and so that I don’t have to work outside the house. I work at home, generally at my leisure, and spend the remainder either reading, baking, or catching up on some tv.

I’m not one for hiding behind facades. I’d rather tell someone what’s going on so they can understand it, rather than pretend I have a perfect life. Because it’s not. I have anxiety. General and social. Sometimes one is worse than the other and it makes it very hard for me to do the things that I’d like to do. Even something as simple as going to the theater, is an issue for me.

I remember when I was a kid, when we had big family get-togethers at my grandma and grandpa’s house, (and we had a big family!), I would always go hide somewhere to get away from everyone. It’s a coping mechanism that I still use today. Back then I didn’t know that it was social anxiety causing it. Up until a year or so ago I had no idea what anxiety even was really.

It wasn’t until I started reading The Bloggess that I finally realised what was going on. I was like “Hey! I have that! I don’t feel so weird. Maybe I’m not just anti-social!” It was a revelation that I was finally able to put a word to what I was feeling.

About a year or so ago it started to escalate and get steadily worse. I didn’t want to leave my house, be around family or friends, or do anything at all really, other than stay home and read or cook. I’m basically a shut in. It’s always been manageable as long as I don’t do anything out of my comfort zone, and I try very hard to stay within those confines.

Lately, not so much. This month, we had plans to go to a concert, one that I had been looking forward to for months, and when it came down to it, I just couldn’t do it. It was crippling. I had never experienced an anxiety attack like that before, where I made myself physically sick, and was barely able to walk from the car to a building. I knew it was completely irrational, not to mention embarrassing, but I was helpless to avoid it. Something that was supposed to be so fun was completely terrifying to me for no real reason.

I’ve decided to go see my doctor about it, because clearly, the way I’d been dealing with it before is just not working anymore. I’m hoping he’s not going to be one of those doctors that says “If you think positive thoughts, it will all go away.” Ha!

Until then I intend to try to avoid things that will cause any anxiety. Thankfully, there’s a new tv season coming up, which means lots of new shows to record and catch up on! That should keep me busy.

 

Excuse My Bitch

Something’s been bothering me for a while now, and I really feel the need to get it off my chest. For weeks, maybe even a couple of months, I’ve felt so ignored, (and it doesn’t help the fact that I’ve been in a depression for weeks on end that I’m thankfully finally coming out of).

I don’t know what it is about myself that elicits being ignored, but it’s obviously there. Friends will text me, and when I answer back I get no response. Even private messaging on social media gets no results from friends or family members (I’m looking at you mother).

I understand that people are busy with their lives, what with kids/jobs/responsibilities and such. But is it really that hard to write back a one word answer? Preferably within the same day, and not leave it until I either call you out on it, or decide to just let it slide yet again? I really don’t think so. I know I’m not perfect, I’ve let someone’s text slide and not answer back, but generally it’s because I don’t think it needs a response. Not for an out right question!

I find it not only incredibly, and painfully rude, but hurtful. There’s no reason for it. No excuses.

I am so, so done.

Freshly Brewed

There’s nothing quite like the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Maybe the taste. I started drinking coffee when I was around seven. My grandpa would give me cups filled with cream and sugar and a splash of coffee. Thus started my love affair.

Eventually, I omitted the cream and sugar and just started drinking it black, as I got older. Then I omitted the coffee altogether. No real reason, but I just up and quit one day.

I still, however, love the taste and smell, and when I have something sweet, I need the bitterness of coffee to cut through it.

Lately I’ve been baking a lot. Not cakes or cookies, but more sweets, and bars. I’ve somehow gained a sweet tooth over the last few months, and constantly need something sweet in the house.

I was on Pinterest again the other day, and stumbled upon this pin for S’Mores bars. They looked so delicious, that I had to make them.

The recipe calls for an 8×8 or 11×7 pan, but all I had was a 9×13, so that’s what I used. I used an extra chocolate bar and got by with the original amounts for the base and marshmallow.

I think when I make them again I would add another jar of marshmallow fluff, and possibly half more to the base to make it stretch a bit further. Other than that they turned out fantastic.

They’re gooey, sweet, and sticky. Everything you want s’mores to be. Now excuse me while I relax with a bar and a cup of coffee.

Hiatus

It’s been a while since I’ve had my regular posting schedule, but I’m just not into it any more. Things are slow here at the moment, and summer is finally underway, leaving me lazy and complacent.

Plus, after three years of almost daily posting, I think it’s time to put a hold on things.

This isn’t good-bye. It’s more, laters baby.

Of Cereal Killers and FBI Agents

A conversation with my niece the other day went like this:

Shayla: Sometimes we play by the FBI bins at school.

Me: You mean BFI?

Shayla: Ok.

Me: Do you know what FBI is?

Shayla: No.

Me: Really? They’re like special cops. They catch serial killers.

Shayla: Cereal? Like Cheerios?

Me: No. Like people who kill…

Shayla: Cereal!

Me: No! People who kill other people in patterns.

Shayla: Do you like Cheerios?

Me: No.

Shayla: Cause you don’t like milk?

Me: No. Cause it’s gross.

Shayla: Do you like cereal?

Me: Some. I like Froot Loops without milk.

Austin: Me too!

Me + You + No Baby = Free

I’ve touched on this subject before. For the longest time, I wanted kids. Desperately. It was years before we decided enough was enough, and let the thought go. It was a couple more years before I was ok with it.

Now that I am, I’m so happy to not have children. In reality, I love my nieces and nephews, but absolutely hate kids. There’s something about them being “mine” that makes them ok, but I have no tolerance for others.

I’ve also realised that not having kids has its perks. No getting up for school to get them ready in the morning, no extra grocery and clothing bills, no extra expense to go out because we need a babysitter. We’re a couple without children and get to design our lives to our whim.

And while we may not get the additional joys that come with having kids, we do get to share in them with our niece and nephew that live across the street. Steve got to take Austin to his very first NHL game, which is such a special event for the two of them to share together.

And yes, while I pined away my 20’s hoping and praying for a baby, I’m spending my 30’s glad that it never came.

Adventures With Ben

I’ve known my friend Ben for close to ten years, but we had never met. Let me explain. I’m part of a fantastic group of people on a message board that’s been around for ten years in August. I joined maybe six months after it was founded, and Ben came along not long after me. I unfortunately had to leave when we moved, and found my way back after a couple of years absence.

A lot of people have met up here and there, mainly living in the US, and a few in Canada, but I’ve never had the chance to meet anyone before. As soon as plans were made to go to Seattle I immediately contacted Ben and asked if he wanted to meet up at some point. I was so excited when he said yes!

We decided to meet for lunch in Bellevue, near his office. Twi-Whore and I showed up and it was a surreal experience meeting him for the first time. I was all goofy grins and awkward hellos. He’s an old pro at meeting people from the board so this was nothing new for him.

When we finally decided on where to go for lunch, (a pub) he introduced me to his mom, and showed me photos of his family, and the properties his company owns, which was really cool.

Lunch was delicious and surprisingly not awkward. It felt like we were old friends (which we were) and hung out all the time. He gave us directions on how to get to Kurt Cobain’s memorial bench (more on that another time) and I gave him a bag full of chips, which he was all excited for. We decided to meet again on Friday at the zoo and spend the afternoon together.

The zoo was so fun. I always forget how much I love going to the zoo, and it’s a good place to go if you’re a bit socially awkward like I tend to be at times.

We got to the gorillas exhibit, and one of them regurgitated it’s lunch into it’s hand right in front of us, and decided to eat it up again. So gross!

Ben was mean and made me go into the bug exhibit. I was so disgusted and terrified that I held my hand and arm over my face the entire time and made a mad rush to get out of there. Not nice.

The komodo dragon was HUGE! I’ve never seen one in person and when it stuck its tongue out it made Ben jump. Twi-Whore and I laughed at him.

By the time we were done, I’d had such a nice visit with him, the conversation flowed easily and I felt like I could joke and laugh at him like I do everyone else. We took a photo of us together to document it and prove each other is really real. He’s a private person so in respect to his wishes I won’t post it here, but I will post another photo I have.