Even after ten years of trying, I still have trouble dealing with infertility sometimes. I saw this today and it hit home for me. Just thought I’d share.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I would have been better.
I would be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I would notice everything about my child.
I would take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I would marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I would be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream would be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I would look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I would parent a child I actually gave birth to or a child that God lead me to, I would not be careless with my love.
I would be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stand tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I would be a wonderful mother!